LOL: 😂💔 😂💔 😂💔 😂💔 😂💔 10/10
If you’re currently not seeing anyone (or even if you are), buckle up because we’re going on a ride around some of the world’s funniest (and bizarre-est) dating adventures.
An Instagram account called ‘Reasons We’re Not Dating’ is causing a series of reposts and ‘LOL #SoTrue’s on the interwebs, after a group of young women started the page to showcase some of their worst dating experiences.
What. On. Earth.
A bit of a mix between a confessional and the Whisper app, the colourful posts consist of prime inspirational poster/phone wallpaper/artsy backdrops concealed by short quotes stating the ‘reasons we’re not dating’.
These range from the pretty serious “He didn’t know when my birthday was” to the heartfelt “I wasn’t over my ex” to the downright peculiar “He was wearing ladies underwear and it was nicer than mine” and the laugh-out-loud hilarious “He did a poo in my toilet and it wouldn’t go”.
This was Thatcher. From the moment I first saw Thatcher I was spellbound. He was intelligent, witty and handsome. He was even tall. Thatcher and I had so much in common, we even had the same sense of humour. I thought he might be my perfect man. I pined for him for years. Thatcher was wonderful. Unfortunately I eventually found out we had more in common than I originally realised. We both love men. #youcanthaveitall #datingfail #unrequitedlove
Whether it’s the really very extremely charming presentation or the quotes themselves or just the suave combination of the two, it’s an Instagram account definitely worth following for anyone who has ever dated. Many of the experiences are relatable (“He said he’d rather die than go to Disneyland” gasp) whilst others are more specific and serve as good advice (“I accidentally started talking about my sister’s pubic hair on our first date”). Some are very straight-forward (“He had a sweaty bum”), whilst others dig a little deeper (“He put his name in my phone without a capital letter which I think reveals deep seated psychological issues”).
Honestly, there are so many good ones, we could go on quoting forever.
Take a scroll through some of our faves below, and have a chuckle yourself before forwarding to all your single/not-so-single girlfriends/boyfriends. And if you’re reading this and can think of a couple horror dating (or hilarious dating) scenarios of your own, you can even submit them via DM (it goes down in there after all) on the ‘Reasons We’re Not Dating’ Instagram page. Also, do not worry – all quotes are anonymous, so your sweaty-bum boo won’t be exposed.
This was Clarence. Clarence and I met at a sports centre and started hanging out. There was a lot of flirtation going on and we'd been on a few dates, I wasn't 100% sold on him but he was so nice I wanted to give it a good shot. We went rock climbing and he was showing off, I was watching him climb when suddenly I noticed a HUGE dark shadow creeping across his bum. His bum was so sweaty, nowhere else.. just his bum crack. I couldn't look him directly in the eyes after this, I just couldn't stop thinking about the slimy bum. Sorry Clarence. #bouldering #sweatybutt #bum
This was Crispin. Crispin was someone I knew when I was a child. We reconnected at a reunion when we were teenagers. He contacted me after and we started to hang out. I thought it was great because he was really generous and kept taking me for meals and buying takeaways then we would watch cool films together. One night I was sitting watching a film with him and he started stroking my leg and back. It was then I came to the chilling realisation that we had been dating this whole time. I immediately panicked and texted my friend to pick me up. As I left he went in for the kiss. I gave him my cheek. He was persistent and went in again. I gave him my other cheek. He tried a third time. I grabbed him in a hug and ran away. We never spoke again. #ithoughthewasagenerousfriend #notouchingplease #clueless #friendzone
This was Norris. I'm not sure what to say about Norris. We worked together and he was pretty nice but I didn't feel a spark, he was kind of pursuing things anyway though. One day he came up to me with a bit of gossip and opened with, "I heard some news on the great vine". I can't remember anything about what happened after because I couldn't stop thinking about the mythical massive vine that gossip drops off of. I wondered what Marvin Gaye would think. I wondered what Norris sang when Heard It Through The Grapevine came on. I wondered a lot of things… except whatever Norris came over to tell me. #thatsnothowitgoes #hearditthroughthegrapevine #marvingaye #nameshavebeenchanged #reasonswerenotdating
This was another attempt to make Sam fall in love with me. We were in the midst of sexting and I asked him what he liked. His response was, “oh, I don’t know, activities and things”… I’m not sure how to respond to that Sam 🤔 you really know how to keep that sexy mood going… #activitiesandthings #didhemeanmonopolyorblowjobs #sexting #sextingfails #reasonswerenotdating
This was Ciaran. We were in our first date and I was struggling through that awkward conversation lull when someone comes back from going to the toilet. Casting around for something to talk about I looked down at my phone to see a message from my pregnant sister about getting ladytown in shape before she gave birth. Before I knew it I was asking his opinion on my sister’s pubic hair… He “had to get home” pretty soon after that… #pubechat #bushcraft #themightybush #datingfail #mybad
This was Jason again. Jason was my boyfriend while I was at University. Jason was… uninhibited when it came to using my toilet. But he was more inhibited when it came to making sure everything had flushed away afterwards. Even when he was staying with me at my parents' house during the holidays. This became such a recurring issue that my mum started going in straight after him with a bucket to whoosh it away and take care of the problem. Not cool Jason. Not cool. #poo #poop #poohavetobekiddingme #ihadnochoicebuttoDUMPhim #eew #dating #datingfail #gross #ohcrap
Follow Reasons We’re Not Dating on Instagram, and stay sassy.